My relationship with ice cream
My Relationship with Ice Cream
I think it started around age eight. Looking at food as good vs. bad, experiencing restriction, experiencing body shame.
One day, I’m not really sure if it was someone’s birthday or what was going on, but my mother told me I could have either cake or ice cream. I was so mad and stormed down the stairs proclaiming, “I’m having both!” The “I’m having both” statement actually became a running joke in my family because of the drama of it. I would laugh along with my older brothers, but years later, I felt a combination of embarrassment and anger when hearing the joke. Why couldn’t I have had both? Was I already feeling body shame at eight years old and my mom was trying to help? Who knows the answers to these questions, but it saddens me to think that from such a young age I recognized foods as good and bad, or in this case, the combination of the two. While I still love cake, ice cream stole my heart, even though it was “bad.” Oh how disappointed I was to learn that it was bad. I remember thinking it was good for me because it contained milk. But then I learned it was “fattening” and had a lot of “sugar.” Ice cream cravings come up for me every day, to this day. I enjoy it in all forms, high end hard ice cream, soft ice cream ( especially the twist), ice cream sandwiches, those flurries at McDonalds, and how about those frosty’s at Wendy’s? The list could go on and on. Fortunately, I have found the key to help satiate my craving without going overboard. A hoodsie cup with a bit of whip cream on top does the trick.
Around age 13 I started to struggle with my weight and body image and so began my journey of yo-yo dieting. Sadly, I am still in it’s snares, but my mental energy around it is getting better.
When I first started dieting, the culture was all about restriction. There was the cottage cheese diet, the grapefruit diet, to name a few others.
My mom grew up in an era that being thin and being a woman were directly correlated. My mom was always thin. No females on my mom’s side of the family were overweight. My paternal grandmother, aunts, and cousins had more athletic builds, and some struggled with keeping weight off at different times in their lives. Although I loved each side of my family very much, I perceived early on that I was “different” from my mom’s side, but “the same” as my Dad’s.. Not surprisingly, I was often anxious when at my maternal grandmother’s home, and totally relaxed at my paternal grandmother’s home. At one home I felt like the “heavy one” and at the other I was “Katie. “
My view of myself, my lifestyle, and my home environment contributed to my challenges with weight. As a young teen, I had too much time on my hands and would get home early before everyone else. There were no kid-friendly snacks ready, or so I perceived, and I would go long periods of time without eating satiating foods. My parents would exercise after work so by the time we sat down to dinner, six to seven hours had passed without me eating healthy food. The only thing I would have consumed was, drum roll please, ice cream
There were rarely treats in the house, but there was always a gallon of ice cream. My brother’s played basketball, burning mega calories, so my mom made them milkshakes. I remember watching the ice cream in the blender and wanting a milkshake but wasn’t offered one. However, I did sneak spoonfuls of the heavenly stuff whenever I could. I remember feeling like a criminal eating it. I would actually try to “fluff it” to make it look like there was more ice cream in the container than there was.
Sweets or chips were foods I snuck when I could because those were the “bad foods” and we didn’t have them in the house. Babysitting was the perfect environment for more of my criminal mischief. I would be amazed opening up the cupboards stocked full of chips and cookies. And the kids I babysat were thin. I don’t remember them even being interested in those foods. I understand why now. They knew they could have those foods, therefore the temptation to overindulge was low. I, however, would go home and feel so ashamed of myself, not understanding why I was caught in this cycle.
Reading this, one might think I grew up in a neglectful home or with a tyrannical mother around food. That was so not the case. While my mom and I did have tension around food, she was the most loving mom and I had a wonderful upbringing. She thought she was making healthy choices for my family by not having “junk” in the house, and reflecting back now, I wonder if she was trying not to be tempted herself. When she witnessed my tears following back to school or bathing suit shopping, her heart broke for me. She did the best she could. She supported my dieting because she thought I would be happier if I lost weight. It all came from a good place,
One summer when I was probably 25, mom and I were taking a walk on Cape Cod and I saw an ice cream shop. Not surprisingly, I wanted an ice cream. She probably did too because I know she loved it as well but she said, “No thank you.”I got the vibe that she disapproved of me getting one. I didn’t let it stop me and I got a dish. When we sat down on the bench, I said, “Mom, this needs to end. I am an adult and can make my own food choices.” She understood and heard me. After that, I easily lost ten pounds without much effort. I had been so mentality trapped by the food tension in our relationship, that having that talk released me. From then on, I ate what I wanted and when I wanted, in front of my mom.
I am in my 50’s now, and my weight has continued to go up and down. A few years ago, I lost a substantial amount and kept it off for over a year. I thought I nailed it. Yet since Covid began in 2020, I gained back more weight than I am comfortable with. I am on my way again, and have a few more pounds that I’d like to lose. While part of me thinks having this goal is giving into diet culture, or not feeling good enough, I just feel better at the lower weight. Like Sarah Miller, this diet mentality is ingrained in me but I have to believe I can gain freedom from it. Thankfully, in this era, there are ways to lose weight without deprivation. However, for many women my age, it’s our mindset that gets in the way of our success and that is what we need to work on. In my current journey of becoming a health and life coach, I’ve learned that “our beliefs create our experiences.” If I continue to label foods as good and bad, then I will continue to experience the cycle of restriction and overeating. If I believe that “I will always struggle with a weight issue” then I will. But if I believe I can eat any food I want and that is ok, that I have personal power to stop eating when satiated, then I know I can experience more freedom. Freedom from the mental exhaustion all of this can bring. I already see this new outlook working. I haven’t thought about ice cream for a few hours.
About Me: I am a school counselor and administrator and certified Health and Life Coach. To hear more about my program, Total Transformation Coaching, email me at katelovescoaching@gmail.com.
